I poured myself a bowl of cereal with the intention of never finishing it. Lame, I know, but it’s normal for me. You’re probably reading this because you want to learn to love your partner and their depression, or you want to see if what I’m actually writing is true because you’re the partner with depression. Well the truth is, I still don’t know which one I prefer you would be. Here I am with a bowl of cereal right in front of me, and to be honest,, I never plan to finish it. I never do. I’m always pouring these bowls of cereal, and I stare at them for the longest time only to throw them away. That is what living with depression is like. You look in the mirror, you see yourself, and you never know what to do with it. I mean don’t get me wrong you know you are a human being, and you know you’re sad, but what do you do? Listen the whole reason I’m writing this is because one night I was crying uncontrollably listening to sad music and decided to write something for the people who don’t understand this. The man I love knows that I struggle with anxiety and depression, but he still learning to love me and my depression. You see it’s a funny phenomenon because it’s like he’s in love with me, but at the same time, there is love for a whole other person. It’s not an easy route to take. There are hard days, and sometimes, we can’t control them. It’s everything from the sitting on the bathroom floor to the lying in bed crying. It’s every “my dad called me today,” and you understanding that that’s not a good quote. Here’s what I have learned from living with my depression. It sucks. You know, it’s the fact that even when we’re crying the hardest we will still answer with “ I don’t know,” when you ask us what’s wrong. And to be honest, sometimes we really don’t know. Sometimes we just cry because that’s all we can do in the moment. Sometimes, we’d rather cry and then try to figure out a reason why. Sometimes we’re just not okay. Whoever you are, and whatever reason you decided to stay with your lover and their depression, thank you. I’ve been trying to write this for six years now. You see, I feel as though I have had depression ever since I was 13, and I believe that stemmed from a childhood of having everything I wanted but never fully wanting it. You know why I had a roof over my head, food on my plate, a car to take me places, and somewhat of a happy family. It was all everything I wanted, but at the same time I didn’t want it. The only thing I wanted was to want something. Whoever you are, listen to this if your partner has depression, you have to be easy with them. You have to know that things are not going to be okay 100% of the time. You have to fully except that sometimes they’re going to want to sleep for 20 hours a day. It’s not easy for you either, I promise. You’re going to want to hold them, and they’re going to flinch at the very touch of your hands. You’re going to want to tell them you love them, but they close their eyes and start to cry. One day you’ll walk in on them staring off into space emotionless, empty, drained, you’ll wonder where you went wrong. However, I can tell you this. One day, you'll walk in on them with that bowl of cereal, and you'll see them take a bite. Maybe it'll be so small only on Froot Loop will enter their mouth, but it is still a bite. A bite can be a start, and a start can be a road to recovery. It's not your fault; It never was your fault. However, you chose to love them when they didn't love the world, and for that, they will be forever grateful.
I decided to write this piece because I feel as though depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness is not talked about enough. I mean, they are talked about, but you never hear how they feel when it comes to love. I can honestly say that if you would have asked me a few years back if I loved the world, I would've said no. However, today, I love it, and I love it with every ounce of love in my body. Why and how? Because I found someone that showed me how to love this world. Whether that person is your lover or yourself, cherish them. You may not see it now, but they are going to be the reason you one day go back for a second bowl of cereal.
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